Fruity Secrets
by Jane Poirot
Summary: Battler learns the hard way why you should never, ever snoop through Beato's desk...


**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, this is just a random, cracky idea that struck me out of nowhere; as most of these do, takes place between Ep3 and 4. Also...crack fic.**

* * *

Battler pushed open the door to Beato's study. He looked to his left and right before tip-toeing right in and closing the door behind him. Beato had gone out for a walk with the Seven Stakes. Now was his only chance to find out what she had up her sleeves for the next game. He was going to find her plans, commit them to memory, and then come up with a counter-strategy to completely throw her off-guard. Then he would have the witch in his clutches at last!

_Flip the chessboard around..._well, in this case, he was merely peeking in the box full of pieces to find out which ones would be moving first. That was _sort of_ like flipping the chessboard, right?

Part of Battler felt guilty; he supposed that, in a way, this was cheating.

Then again, the "North Wind and the Sun" strategy wasn't exactly playing fair, either.

This in mind, Battler crept over to her desk. There were pieces of blank paper scattered everywhere. He supposed that either she planted these papers to fool him in case he was planning something like this, or she really was that scatterbrained.

Battler saw an alignment of drawers on one side of the desk. The plans for the next game lay in one of these drawers. All he had to do was figure out which one; he doubted she'd scatter her plans in all of the drawers, lest someone like him come stumbling along...

What if she put a curse on the drawers? What if she had some sort of security system where, if someone opened up any one of the doors, the drawer would automatically slam shut on the intruder's hand or otherwise send off some sort of alarm?

"Stop worrying over nothing," muttered Battler. "You've made it this far...it's too late to turn back now...it's now or never..."

Battler knew he couldn't spend much longer deliberating what to do; he chose a drawer at random—the first drawer on the left—and flung it open. First, a little too roughly; then a bit more gently, lest he be overheard.

The papers were turned over so that there was nothing shown, but Battler could see faint ink imprints on the back, meaning there was writing on them. Feeling triumphant, he took the pile out of the drawer, turned it over, and began to read the first page:

* * *

"_Eva," sobbed Natsuhi, "why must you be so cruel to me?"_

_Eva snapped her fan shut. "Actually," she said, "the truth is...I care about you. A lot."_

"_W...what?" muttered Natsuhi._

_Eva tilted Natsuhi's chin and whispered in her ear, "I have been suppressing my secret desires for far too long...now that our boorish husbands are gone, I think you know what we need to do..."_

_Eva then slipped her tongue into Natsuhi's ear and bit on the edges, causing Natsuhi to moan. She then moved her hands to..._

* * *

Battler realized only then that this was most certainly _not_ the plans for the next game, but he read on. The first page was...mild...but the next four or five pages grew more graphic in nature, describing all sorts of acts the two older women performed on each other, ending with them deciding to kill their husbands and marry each other.

When he was done reading, Battler realized his face was flushed. That...was so _wrong._ And yet...somehow...it was really, really..._hot._

It was almost like...a lemon. Something that was sour, yet _tasty._

Battler was not sure what exactly possessed him to do so, but he began to read another story that was even longer than the first:

* * *

"_Genji," spoke Kinzo, pacing across the room, "I have failed once again to revive my beloved..." He then ran over to the window and cried out "BEATORIIICHEEE!"_

"_Yes, most pitiful, master," nodded Genji._

_Kinzo turned to Genji and said, "Oh Genji, I have no one to comfort me. I need you now. I need you most desperately! So please, help me fulfill my inner desires for..."_

"_Beatrice?" finished Genji._

"_Precisely!" breathed Kinzo, forcing Genji into a dress._

* * *

The rest of it was, amazingly enough, even more graphic than the first. To say nothing of the fact that it got _so_ many things about the male anatomy just plain _wrong._ Battler wasn't an expert in biology, but he knew enough about the male system to know that was _not_ how it worked. At. All.

"Did she write _all_ this?" muttered Battler. "Good God..."

He then proceeded to read another story. It was all like a train wreck; he wanted to turn away, but was unable to.

* * *

_Rudolf screamed at the sound of the whip striking his buttocks. Standing just above him was Rosa, clad in leather and black, crushing that one spot in his back with the heel of her boot._

"_Say it after me!" barked Rosa. "Who is your master?"_

"_Y...you, Rosa..." whimpered Rudolf._

_Rosa whipped Rudolf once again on his other buttock and shrieked, "WHAT DID I TELL YOU TO CALL ME?!? NOW WHO IS YOUR MASTER?!?"_

"_You," whimpered Rudolf. "My master...is you...Musou Rosa..."_

* * *

The rest of the story only confirmed Battler's long-held suspicions that Beato did indeed have an S&M fetish. _This_ particular story was so graphic, so smutty, and so descriptive that Battler was not sure if he could complete it, but complete it he did. There were many more pages of other stories like this, but Battler had seen enough. His face flushed, he picked up the papers and began to stuff them back where they came from, not even noticing the sound of the doorknob turning...

"Found my stories, have you?"

Battler's head sharply turned at the sound of Beato's voice. She smirked. "Oh dear, I hope you didn't just read that one story about Rudolf and Rosa. Well, I suppose that one would be less traumatizing on you than, say, the one with Dr. Nanjo and the demon goats."

She laughed shamelessly. She had written_ the_ nastiest porn Battler had _ever_ read, and she was _proud_ of it. Battler burst out:

"_You write lemons?!?"_

"Yes, lemons are _so_ much more interesting than _limes,_ wouldn't you agree?" cackled Beato.

"Argh! It's useless! It's all useless!" cried out Battler. He ran right out of the room, shoving past Beato, hoping he could find a good, strong soap to get the burning images out of his mind.

"That'll teach him not to go through my stuff again," laughed Beato, taking out the plans for the fourth game from up her sleeve.

_End_

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**A/N: Yeah, that was kind of...random. But can't you picture Beato writing lemons, lol? XD I personally like to think she knew Battler would try to find the game plans so she wrote those lemons for him to find so that he wouldn't do it again.**

**And I don't mind lemons or limes; that's just Beato in "tsun" mode. XD**

**Oh, and happy Passover to my Jewish readers!**


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